Uzumaki Naruto's Guide to Girls
by SmokingDreamers
Summary: Naruto's handwritten, self-created guide to getting girls.


Uzumaki Naruto's Guide to Girls

The Complete Instruction Manual to the Finer Gender

Part 1

Uzumaki Naruto

Publisher and Co Editor: Jiraiya Senin

Published: After time skip

Editor: Hatake Kakashi

Copyright MasterPervySage Inc.

(Warning, all failed attempts at getting girls that result in fatal injury by following the steps in this book should not be held to fault of the author. Date at your own risk.)

Introduction

As all of you guys well know, the female species is a confusing and weird subject. They're constantly hitting you, yelling at you, or suddenly crying for no reason. It can be frustrating for even the most skilled ninja. But lucky for you all, I, Uzumaki Naruto, am a genius in this subject! I'll teach everything you need to know about girls, so don't sweat it.

First Lesson: Respect.

Now, the most important thing to remember is that girls need respect. It's important not to let them catch you peeking up their skirts or in their bedroom windows because there's no respect there (and if you get caught groveling WILL NOT save you. Trust me.). So be sure to be very careful because the prettiest girls always hit the hardest.

Just to be safe, remember the three D's when observing your female.

-Drool

-Duck

-Dip

Drool over your girl for a while (through her window or while she's in the bath house) but then, when you think she's turning around, duck. This step is _vital_. An improper ducking technique can be the difference between survival and certain death by painful assault. Once the duck is complete you dip. Understand that once she's glanced over it's best to make your getaway because females are easily suspicious despite themselves.

Another aspect of respect is to treat girls nicely. Calling them 'sexy' as a greeting is not a good idea. Neither is hotty, baby, sweetheart, or legs. Failing to comply could get you kicked in the face by said legs (and getting kicked by a girl wearing heals is not an experience I recommend.). Oh yeah. And if a girl's skirt is short enough that you can see her panties when she bends over, do _not_ _whistle_. And if she asks you if you're enjoying the view don't say, "Well I was until your mouth started moving." Or "You'd like that wouldn't you". The best thing to do in this situation is to apologize like you're embarrassed even if you're not, and never, under any circumstances, EVER try to touch said panties. THE CONSEQUENCES ARE TO GRUSOME TO DISCLOSE! Let's just move on…

The Second Lesson: Sensitivity

Girls love the sensitive type, it's a well known fact (and if you didn't know, aren't you so lucky that you have me to teach you?). Guys, by nature, aren't sensitive at all but, with the proper training, you can pull off a five-star act that's sure to score you points.

Step One in Sensitivity- knowing when to comfort

Girls are criers. They'll cry about anything, everything, and nothing for exactly those reasons. When you say something to make a girl cry like, "I only liked you because I heard you were easy," or "Why do you have to get on my nerves all the time," or even something gentle, like "Look, I know you have a crush on me, but I'm telling you now, you're just not my type." You know you need to comfort her. If you're the one who made her cry apologize.

Now, apologize can go two ways: good or horribly horribly wrong. The key to a good apology is to say these magic words 'I was wrong'. Of course, half the time that you're apologizing to girls, you have no idea in the world of what you did, so 'I was wrong' is a general term that keeps you out of trouble.

If you didn't make her cry it's much trickier. Girls want guys to magically know why they're upset and they get even more upset if they don't (a fact that I have come to know all too well). _

"Naruto you can't write this!" Kakashi said as he peeked over Naruto's shoulder at his notebook.

"You're supposed to be my editor. So edit." He retorted, shoving the book at his sensei.

"First of all, these tips are going to get somebody killed." Kakashi said as he flipped through the book, occasionally stopping to shake his head or shudder.

"That's why Jiraiya-senin suggested that warning."

"But what if a girl finds this? A girl you know…?"

Naruto waved off his sensei and snatched his book back. "Sakura-chan isn't going to care. "

Kakashi was about to ignore his worry and leave when he remembered that _his_ name was on this thing to. "Naruto, maybe you should try being a little more sensitive to the female side."

The boy sighed. "I can't tell the truth and be 'sensitive to the female side' at the same time."

Kakashi closed his eyes, defeated. "Whatever. Just don't talk about pervy stuff like peeping and feeling girls up okay?"

"Yeah yeah,"

_Do to members of the publishing team voicing worries about liability I'm adding this now. (Warning II, any females offended by the content of this book, please note that we intend no disrespect. So please don't hunt us down. Oh. And don't get mad at Hatake Kakashi either, he doesn't need any female enemies seeing as he's almost thirty and still single.)


End file.
